Feeling Angry

 On my birthday and also mine and Scott's anniversary date, I stupidly stopped by his house and texted him to come out a give me a hug for my birthday. He didn't do it and I said well at least wave, which he did do. It enraged Lisa and she wrote in messenger to me to stay away and stay off their property. She also wrote to Beau.

At first I was worried Beau would be upset because I didn't tell him upfront that I went over there on my birthday and told him I wanted to hug him. I explained the truth, which was that I was drunk and thought I could just tell Scott that everything is good and I'm happy and I'm happy for him. But am I?

I started thinking about the things I've done to cause problems with him and Lisa. I brought Scott soup when he was sick and dropped off a card with a heart, Summer on it. I have tried to subtly plant seeds of doubt in his mind about Lisa. I called Lisa and told her that Scott has mental health issues and it's because of drugs. I texted Scott to come give Kristina a ride home from my house. Also, I've been pressuring Scott to get health insurance.

Why have I done this? Do I have anything against Lisa? Not really, but I do think she is stupid or crazy to pursue a relationship with Scott. But, I am angry at Scott. He fucked with me for 17 years. I loved him so much, but he put me through so much pain over and over. He hurt my daughter. He hurt Jason. He tried to destroyed my friendships and tore me down. He cheated and lied. He ignored my feelings. He didn't love me anywhere near as much as Beau does. He was a self centered narcissist. 

Am I truly happy for him? No. I want to see him fuck things up because he likely will. Deep down, I think he is gay and he is just suppressing that part of himself. He is not religious. He is just a follower and manipulator. 

Should Lisa say I'm toxic and want me to stay away? Yes, probably she should. I don't want the best for them. I know that's what a good person would say. I know that's the healthy, mature response. I should leave the past in the past. Maybe he is a different person now, but I highly doubt it. All the shit he said to me in the first year after we broke up was messed up, but I refuse to be a victim. That's why I have become the victimizer. I am strong and I won't be a victim of his. Too bad for Lisa that she got involved with him.

I really should leave them alone though. I don't need yet another crazy bitch to be worried about.

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