The Covert Passive Aggressive Narcissist
My father has Antisocial Personality Disorder, which is very similar to NPD. My mom tried to tell me things, but I didn't respect her or listen to her. My dad would always make it seem like she was just not smart and I believed him. I worshipped my dad and I believed everything he said until I became an adult and started to unravel my own codependency issues. My mom divorced my dad when I was 11, but she continued to have sex with him and spend time with us as a family. My dad was in jail when I was 13-16 and we moved in with my mom. After my dad got out, he moved into my mom's house. Then we all moved to California. After a year there, my mom moved back to Ohio with my little sister to help her best friend who was diagnosed with breast cancer. I felt abandoned by my mom, but she felt like I didn't need her anymore. This caused me to not listen to her even more. Although we have a better relationship now, I still feel hurt by all the times she and my sisters said I was just like dad.
I still remember his attempts to Hoover her. He bought her saphire jewlry and gave her flowers. He never did this in the past. I thought it was so nice of him and was sad my mom didn't seem to care.
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I’ve been married for 16 years to my CN. I read about borderline personality a few years ago and convinced myself he has that because there are so many similarities between CN behavior and BPD. I shared my observations with him and tried to convince him (for the millionth time) that he needs to go to therapy. He told me he could come up with just as many examples of how I fit the criteria for BPD. I assure you I don’t. However, when I read the Covert Passive Aggressive Narcissist book, it seemed to fit even more perfectly.
I started thinking back to the start of our relationship. His family is Catholic and they didn’t approve of our relationship, partially because I was raised Athiest and not from a “good” family but also I was still legally married to my ex when we got together and already had 2 kids. My CN just pretty much stopped spending any time with his family because he didn’t feel like dealing with their disapproval. I encouraged him to spend time with them, especially his younger siblings who looked up to him. As a mother, I tried to understand how his mother felt being that her oldest was 22 and was in a relationship with a 27 year old (at the time) with children. Also, I understood I wasn’t the type of person she wanted for her son. But rather than stand up for me, he just avoided. Over 16 years, I’m still blamed for so many things and though I’ve tried, I’ve given up having a relationship with his family. CN blames me for ruining his relationship with his family. This is because of the few times I broke down and told them about the things he has done. I thought maybe they would have a little more compassion for me if they knew. Nope.
Early in the relationship, he cheated. I knew he was bisexual from the start. Once when I was pregnant with our first child together, he got drunk at a gay bar and had unprotected sex with a guy in the bathroom. He admitted it to me and cried because he was “ashamed.” I was freaked out but felt bad for him and forgave him. He also blamed me for taking him to a gay bar and I took some responsibility for that.
In the first 7 years, he had 2 affairs (with women), I thought maybe we could just make a polyamorous thing work and we got a girlfriend in 2016. At least he wasn’t cheating and I had the ability to keep communication open with the girl. She moved in with us for 6 months. His family had an “intervention” with him and told him if he doesn’t divorce me, they are kicking him out of the family. He came home and told me what his family said and he just wants to be with our girlfriend now. Things were falling apart anyway so I asked her to move out and for him to look for a place. She left, but he didn’t. He waffled back and forth for the next few months about whether he wanted to work it out with me, yet continued to see her and lie about it. I finally kicked him out and he got an apartment. The relationship with the other girl lasted about 3 weeks. I ended up taking him back soon after he admitted what a huge mistake he made. I had 2 young kids at home and scared to do it alone.
In the past few years, he got into cross dressing and started performing in drag shows. At the same time, he was hanging out with new friends and doing cocaine and Xstasy pretty often (I don’t do drugs or approve of them). He would frequently say he was going to hang out with them and not come back until the next afternoon.
In September 2019, his friend was at our house one night. I was being a good host but it was getting late. I told them I was going to bed. I got on a nightgown and was taking my makeup off. The friend walked through to use the bathroom (our room is the basement) and he stopped and stared, told me I was beautiful and asked to kiss me. I said no. He grabbed my arm and forcibly tried to kiss me. I pushed him off. He grabbed harder and stuck his hand between my legs. I pushed him away and got him to let go. I was so scared and I locked the door and went to bed shaking. CN is still besties with the guy to this day. I told the guy’s wife what happened and so I’m now not welcome in their home. CN wants me to just get over it because it was “so long ago.” He wants me to come over and hang out with them but I refuse.
That Christmas Eve in 2019, he went over to party and didn’t come back until the next morning. The kids went to get their stockings (over the fireplace in our bedroom), but the door was locked and dad told them to go away. I had slept in bed with my daughter because I was upset. I barely slept. I got a key and unlocked the door. I found him in bed with a bisexual friend of his messing around with porn on. He knew he was in trouble so he got dressed and came out for presents. He sat next to me with his arm around me like everything was fine while I was like a zombie, just trying not to cry. I had my NP board exam 2 days later and had to take it while recovering emotionally from having my Christmas ruined. So many of my Christmases have been ruined by him which is why I always say I hate Christmas.
The past year has been mild compared to the rest of the years with my CN. I meditate and work out pretty often. I have mostly turned my focus off CN and focus mainly on my health, my kids, and my career. I try not to care what he does. He still does drag once a week and stays out all night but his friend supplying drugs got cancer so he doesn’t do that as much now. However, I am lonely. I love my home and I have the most amazing four kids (girls ages 21, 17, 15 and my son is 12). My two oldest have tried over the years to get me to leave CN, but mostly all my kids are happy if I’m happy. So that’s my focus these days, to be happy or at least put on a happy face. I still fantasize that I’ll be free of CN one day but I’m scared to go through what I know would be a miserable divorce.
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Funny story: I had all four kids home water births. At the birth of our first kid together, my friend got into the waterbirth pool with me and I guess there was soap in her clothes because bubbles started going everywhere. CN grabbed the shop vac and started sucking up bubbles while I was in active labor.
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My CN is very attractive physically. I am sexually attracted to him and we are sexually compatible. He tried to ruin that for me too though 2018-2020. He got very competitive with drag and grew out his hair and bought supplements online to feminize himself. He was even talking about getting small implants at one point and did get Botox.
When he finally cut his hair (in January) after he dried it out so much from dying it, he had an absolute meltdown. We were about to go on vacation to see my daughter. He refused to let me take any pictures of him unless he had on a hat the whole vacation. Also he was “depressed” over it for about a month and blamed me for encouraging him to do it saying “I shouldn’t have listened to stupid people telling me to cut my hair.”
Another good thing is that he is so sweet, polite, and nice in public. I can take him around people and generally he is well liked. The problem is it’s all a show and if I try to tell people, they think I’m crazy.
Last thing is that he is technologically brilliant. He is the best computer programmer where he works (self taught) and can generally fix anything that breaks. However, he has used this against me in the past. Last time we split up, he was spying on me with hidden cameras in the house and somehow made all my text messages show up on his phone.
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I’ve been married to CN for 16 years. He admitted to me when we met that he had experiences with another boy he went to Catholic high school with. He said he never told anyone and was so ashamed, but told me he grew out of it and it was just a phase.
When I was pregnant with our first child, we went to a gay nightclub with some friends. He got drunk and ended up allowing a gay guy to peg him unprotected in the bathroom. I was super upset but he cried and was so ashamed, so I forgave him.
Over the years, he has finally accepted being bisexual. I’ve been okay with him being with men sometimes, as long as he used protection and was honest with me. I thought at least it was better than him going behind my back which he has proved he will do if I tell him I’m not okay with something.
Three years ago he told me he thinks it would be fun if I dressed him up like a woman. I gave him a weird look and he acted like he was kidding. Next thing I know I found several wigs in the Amazon purchase history. That progressed into him going out dressed up as a woman. Then finally him performing in drag shows.
I’d honestly be okay with it if he was just dressing up to perform, but that’s not all. Almost anytime I’m not home, he will lock the kids out of the basement so he can dress up and masturbate while looking at himself. It’s super creepy to me. He uses his cross dressing to escape his life and pretend to be someone else with no responsibilities.
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Whenever I asked CN to do X, he does Y. When I complain he didn’t do X, he points out that he did Y. For example, I asked him to mow the lawn before a party we had recently. He instead used his blower to blow off debris on the decks. I was angry because I literally did everything else to get things ready. When I complained, he kept saying he helped out by using the leaf blower. This happens almost every time I ask him to do something.
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I was never in my life an anxious person. I’ve always been free spirited and calm. However, the past few years I’ve had more anxiety that seems to come out of nowhere. There was a period of time I definitely felt like I had PTSD after his first affair (in 2011), but I don’t think that’s affecting me much anymore. Still there are times like tonight. He is headed out dressed up to do a drag show and get touched on or hit on by lots of men. Usually I just stay home and watch tv or go to bed early so I don’t have to think about it. Tonight instead, I made plans with an ex-boyfriend (we are still friends and he is friends with CN) and my female friend (she is there to make sure nothing inappropriate happens). I didn’t tell him because I feel like why should I. However, I am so incredibly anxious right now and feel like I’m on the verge of a panic attack. I’m stressed it will come up at some point and cause him to spend the next few days “punishing” me. Even if I told him now, he’d still punish me for it.
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My oldest two daughters are 21 and 18. He has been their step-dad since they were 1 and 4. We also have a 15 y/o daughter and 12 y/o son together. My older two have seen me put so much trauma. They have wanted so much for me to leave him. I just wanted a stable home for them and to be able to continue to afford them being in sports and music lessons. I was already divorced once and didn’t want to go through losing my younger two half the time and didn’t trust him to make responsible decisions with them. At least I could protect them if I stayed. I still have so much guilt, especially about the two older girls who were so often the target of his narcissistic abuse.
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I just suddenly realized that one of my closest friends is also a CPAN. I can’t believe I didn’t see it before. She constantly gaslights her husband (and sometimes me). The other night, I was drinking with her and her husband. The next day, she told me I made out with him when I was drunk, but she didn’t care. I’m convinced that did not happen because I have no memory of it, but I definitely questioned myself. She constantly claims to have some kind of illness. I’ve heard her say she has MS, cancer, and has overcome brain cancer and other things. I don’t argue with her even though I know she never had any of those things. I think she always wants people to be worried about her.
Recently, she told her husband some labs showed she had probable cancer in her blood. When he took her to the doctor, she asked him not to bring it up. He did though because he wanted to know about what they found. Turned out, she didn’t have cancer but had signs of hepatitis and liver damage from years of heavy drinking. She flew into a rage and threatened to divorce him on the way home because she said he brought it to the doctor’s attention that she is an alcoholic so now he will treat her differently.
She told me recently her husband punched her and blacked her eye but don’t bring it up to him because he is really ashamed. I didn’t for a couple months, but I just couldn’t believe he would do that. He is not at all a violent person. I finally asked him about it and even he was not entirely sure. He said she told him he hit her when he was drunk. He remembered everything about that night but still questioned himself about whether he did in fact punch her. He checked his hand and it wasn’t sore at all so he still doesn’t think it happened. She had a black eye so he thinks she accidentally did it to herself that night.
I’ve known my friend for about 14 years, but we weren’t friends for about 6 of those years because she suddenly accused me of trying to steal her husband and cut me out of her life. The weird thing is that before that she kept encouraging me to hang out with him because he was lonely and didn’t have many friends. Anyway, she reached out to me a couple years ago and we reconciled. Right before Christmas, she moved really close by so we have been hanging out more often.
I’ve been wondering why I always feel like I’m walking on eggshells around her. The other day, my CPAN husband and I were hanging out with her. I brought up that I think her husband and I have similar personalities (which I referred to as hippie, Earth children) and that she and my husband are similar, more on the narcissist side. She laughed and fist bumped my husband saying “we narcissists have to stick together.” She wasn’t phased by it. However, I’ve been stressing out since then that maybe I hurt her feelings and she will cut me out of her life again.
This morning, her husband called me (he usually covers for her and never tells anyone anything about their relationship). He just wanted to talk because he really doesn’t have any friends to talk to about this stuff. I tried to share some things I learned about CPANs with him. I also said even though they may not be capable of much empathy, I don’t believe anyone deserves to be treated badly. To hurt others is to hurt ourselves. We are both very loyal people and it was super innocent, but it freaked me out that she might see that he called me so he offered to delete the history of the call. I have a lot of fun with my friend, but I just see this as a ticking time bomb and once again I’m going to be the one hurt.
I definitely see a pattern of being drawn to narcissists. My father is a classic case of antisocial personality disorder and has always had to be in control in his relationships.
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I kept seeing the gray rock reference and so I googled it. Now I want to cry because this is exactly where I’m at. The part talking about detachment from your feelings, wants, and needs just hit me so deep. I’ve become a gray rock with him, but I feel myself getting paler and paler. The only time I feel my personality come to life is when I’m drinking, but then I feel even more dead inside the next day. My kids help me feel alive but I now have one out of the house and another preparing for college. My 15 year old doesn’t want to hang out with me, so that leaves just my 12 year old son. He is my little buddy, but I know it won’t last as he grows. I know I should divorce CN but I feel paralyzed and like I’ll never be able to love again or if I do, I’ll make another mistake.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/toxic-relationships/201911/the-price-and-payoff-gray-rock-strategy
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This morning, my 12 year old son (who has been doing online school all year) informs me that he got a message from his friend who said he is missing the school picnic. I know my son mentioned to me awhile ago but I couldn’t find the info about it in my email and asked him to find out the date. Here’s the convo that ensued:
Son: I’m missing the school picnic apparently.
Me: Well sorry hun. I asked you to find out when it was.
CN: What?! He is missing the school picnic? He should be going to things like that. He didn’t see his school friends all year.
We were in the process of getting ready to go out to breakfast, so then:
Son: I don’t have any clean clothes to wear.
Me: I’ve told you before to start a load of your laundry when you are getting low and I’ll finish it for you.
CN: Why does he have no clean clothes?!
Me: Partly because he didn’t start his laundry but also we just got rid of a bunch of clothes he grew out of.
CN: You need to take him shopping!!
Me: Yes, I know that but I’ve been working a lot lately and every time I’m available, he hasn’t wanted to go.
Ugh! This is always how these conversations go. He does his best to make me feel like a terrible mother, even though I know it’s not true.
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After sitting alone Wednesday night, feeling particularly lonely while my husband was out, I drank a bottle of wine by myself. I ended up telling him maybe we should start seeing other people. I had the idea that maybe I could get him focused on a new supply and then he would make things easy on me. His response was that I couldn’t handle it, I’d be too jealous. My issues in the past were not jealousy, but the lying and hiding things.
He is going to counseling because I recently gave him an ultimatum. When he got home he was wearing a shirt my sister gave out at my nephew’s memorial (he wrecked his car and died last year at age 17). First off, I spotted the manipulative behavior right away because he wasn’t that close to my nephew, has never worn that shirt, and he even tried to get out of going to the memorial. Then he told me that he told the therapist how hurt he was that I suggested we see other people.
Last night, I started feeling sad. I cuddled up to him. First thing this morning I told him I don’t want to see other people and apologized for acting crazy. He said he knows I’ll just say something different the next day, reinforcing the idea that I’m mentally unstable. Ugh, I’m so weak!
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Is it bad that now I’m trying to manipulate him back? Like I know how much he likes to pretend to be the perfect husband in front of other people. So after we had a bunch of friends over to cook out, I sat there and looked at him and said, “this is all going to have to be cleaned up.” He immediately started clearing plates. He never helps when there’s nobody around.
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